Hello and have a nice day everyone :)
How have you been ? I'm here to tell that I am fine . So it's been long time I didn't show up here and telling my story. I just don't really know how to describe me and my situation. just because I let it slide too much, I get no response at all. Because for me, other's happiness is more important than mine. and sometime I hate myself for being too good at people even when they didn't deserve it.
There is time where I hate everything, feel hopeless and want to give up everything. but my real self won't let me to do so. That feeling of being patient .... holding up for too long is really hard. when you don't know how to express it and tell them how really you are. because you don't want them to feel worry about you. that you have to pretend that everyday is a lucky day, a good day tho.
Please I'm begging, don't let it happen again. to anyone, because it's really dangerous that you can't expect them to do things. I know some people out there experience things like me but I hope you seek for help. That feeling of not trusting anyone is bad, please let your guard down and ask for help. Even you know that they can't do anything for you, at least you let them hear what you want to say. Speak up my dear, don't make you regret. Because you already have chance to.
Let me tell some story of mine. When I was a kid, I often seeing my parents fighting even it is a simple little things. And whenever it happens I seemed to be involved, when my mom bring me to at someplace and my dad ask me not to follow her. How am I supposed to do that? I'm just a kid. I don't know yet which is good and which is bad for me to make decision. because there are both my parents. There's one time my dad ask me to lie to my mom, and at the same time my mom tell me to lie to my dad. What kind of things they teach me at? and there is another day when I saw my mom and my dad fighting, and I there my siblings sitting at the room and I ask them to stop our parents from fighting. but they just laugh and said ' let them be '. That time I felt a broken piece in my heart, idk what happen what to do but it's broke my heart.
I grew up like that, there is one day when I am hungry and cook maggie kari to eat. and suddenly my mom show up and she really mad. So I bring my maggie into my room, but then she call me. she mad at me idk why. and I was crying, but she still mad at me and ask me to stop crying. that time I feel like, what kind of life I am facing rn that no one tell me what to do. It hurts me, and its become really hurt whenever I remember it again.
And there is another day where my mom was fasting, and there is only me and my brother at home. and when she came home, she mad at me say that I can't do anything. bc I really don't know what to do. and suddenly she ask me a glass of warm water. maybe I wrongly give her hot water, then she throw that glass infront of me. It's a glass you know, and its broken. My eyes I feel like there's broken piece in my eyes. God I really don't know what did happen. and I still have that fear infront of her. until now, I just too good to pretend that nothings happen.
I usually wrote those story in my book as a diary. but nowadays its kind of easy to do things. I wrote it because idk how to tell, how to express. I just don't have that kind of ability to talk. thats why I'm being introvert. I'm too scared to face ppl. I have no idea what to do next. but I still want to figure it out. thats all for today. until we met :D
No comments:
Post a Comment